Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Blowing my cover

I always have this difficulty of opening up. If you ask me why, I’d automatically say, I don’t know. Automatic, in a sense that I do not want to give an answer at that moment. I can give ready answers about facts but not about how I feel.

Friends and family attempted to explore my thoughts. But they only got a portion, and a smile. My youngest sister came closest, and I accepted the fact that we both have the same line of thinking.

There was this seminar in college handled by a psyschology professor. I felt very uneasy most of time. He asked questions I was not comfortable with. In the end, a friend who also attended that seminar, got confused with my answers and sought further clarifications from me. We just agreed to forget about it rather than explore further.

Perhaps, it's because of my personality – something that is very difficult to understand and alter. There were many times when I went to a corner and sat on the floor. When asked, I’d just smile and reply, “Nothing.” But there are plenty of whys and what ifs hovering on top of my head. Sometimes I asked my self these questions: “Am I just too selfish to open up? Do I have something to hide?"

I have nothing to hide, but I just wanted to be invisible. Through this blog, a part of me is opened up to the world. I may not be noticed or people may not care at all. I am just me. To know me better, one has to be with me for long period of time.


ralphT said...

that's hard dude. try opening up to someone. its hard keeping shits to yourself.... ;)

niceheart said...

I always thought that men have a harder time opening up than women. But I also notice that I can talk about my feelings more in writing, not just in blogs, but just writing in general.

Lazarus said...

thanks for your comments ralph and niceheart! Usually, opening up is done in other venues like, in a blog, in poetry, in sports, to a close friend, to a spouse, to a minister. But each only got a piece and not the whole.

bing said...

opening up need not necessarily mean you give the whole of yourself. sharing a piece is also opening up.

some people shun their doors for reasons. and i dont believe that most of the reasons are because they have hang-ups, or they have problems. meron lang talagang hirap ang social skills.

blogging is a very nice way to practice opening up. you'll soon notice the change.